March 10, 2000 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 11

Bigtips

Why has my boyfriend suddenly become Mr. Shopping?

"the Big Tipp

Dear Big Tipper,

Lately, my boyfriend has been buying more and more things every day, and I have no idea why.

Sometimes it's things we need, like groceries or clothes. Sometimes it's books. Sometimes it'll be two or three stuffed animals he says "remind him of me.” But he can not come home now without a new bag of stuff. I think he's shopping on his lunch break and on his way home from work, and he's late for dinner too, because he can't come straight home.

I'm worried about him, but I can't figure out exactly what's wrong, or even what to say to him without hurting his feelings. I'm afraid he's going crazy.

Dear Shop Shape,

Shop Around the Clock

Hmmm. It sounds like your sweetie has some sort of displaced energy going on. Is he on a diet? Has he recently stopped drinking or doing drugs? It's pretty typical for folks to just move their compulsive energy from one behavior to another. Quit smoking? Snack up a storm.

In theory, when you quit or are trying to modify some unhealthful behavior, you aren't supposed to just cork the compulsion hole with another behavior, you're supposed to "feel your feelings," and see why you want to be compulsive in the first place.

In real life (mine, at least), if I'm having a hard time not doing something, I try to find replacement behaviors with as few side effects as possible: taking several baths a day,

playing a few hundred games of hearts on the computer.

Another possibility is that your boyfriend is feeling insecure about something: Is he worried about his relationship with you? Are a lot of the things he's buying for you, or for the house? Maybe he's trying to physically bolster the stability of your relationship.

Try asking him if he's feeling happy and secure, without even mentioning the shopping. He may be going through something he's had a hard time bringing up.

One last thing: Have you recently put yourselves on a budget? Sometimes that can make someone feel constrained, and they rebel

by spending money, perhaps without even thinking about it.

Whatever's happening, I think a gentle, non-accusatory conversation could lay a few mysteries to rest.

Dear Tip,

My girlfriend used to say I always had sweet breath, and I felt pretty happy and confident because of that. Now she turns away from me in the morning, and says I'm stinky. This is making me paranoid, even during the day when I'm around other people.

Italian Scallion

Dear Teri Garrlic,

The cold truth is that the romance has probably worn off. That doesn't mean that the love isn't still there, but facing the idea of a lifetime with clam breath in the A.M. has driven many a kind woman to make an insensitive remark.

Most people get dry mouths while they're sleeping. When your mouth is dry, stinky bacteria proliferate, and you get a little dragony. All you can do is brush thoroughly. During the day you're probably fine,

BIG TIPS

but you might wanna be packing Altoids in case of an emergency. (The new cinnamon ones? Delicious.)

This, of course, is assuming that your diet has not radically changed since you first got together. If it has, lay off the garlic bread midnight snack, already.

Dear Big Tipper,

About a year and a half ago, my partner and I rented a house where we have been quite happy. We've spent quite a bit of time fixing up the place, and have made friends with several of our neighbors.

Some men moved into the house next to us a few months ago, and they are making both of us nervous. They stare at us when we walk in our out of our house, which might be because we have very short hair, but it makes me feel really creepy.

I've dreamed about my partner being attacked, and she told me that she's nervous

about them too. I don't want to be paranoid, but I also don't want to ignore a situation that might be dangerous. I really don't want

to move.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Wary Princess,

Listen to your instincts. If these guys feel creepy, they are creepy, at least to you. Make sure your house is as safe as possible: good locks, and use them. Make sure you have a porch light that works (you can keep it on all night), and lights for any dark corners near your doorway. If you both haven't already taken a selfdefense class, do. It'll just add to your general feeling of safety and confidence.

You say you have friends in the neighborhood? They're your allies. When you're talking to them, see if they know these guys or anything about them. Maybe they can dispel your fear, or they may have noticed that these guys are kind of weird, too. Be seen talking to them. Then these guys will know you're not isolated.

Finally, these guys will probably be less likely to stare and be weird if they know you, even just in passing. I wouldn't have them over to dinner, but if you feel like it, say hi when you see them, and make eye contact, so you aren't just abstract potential victims.

Ultimately, you'll need to decide if your discomfort with them compromises your happiness in your home. Good luck.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

FRANK CONNOR

Because there's no

such thing as this.

Just a matter of fact

Tobey Maguire, as James, and his mentor Grady Tripp, played by Michael Douglas, ponder the mess they ve gotten themselves into in Wonder Boys.

Mix equal parts Dead Poets Society. The World According to Garpand your choice of indecisive-boy-with-commitment-issues-meet-girl movie. Stir and garnish with a hint of The Boys in the Band, and you have this comedy

The plot centers around Tripp, an eccentric writing professor who is being called a wonder boy” because he has yet to finish his second novel in fear of not living up to his first one. Along the way he becomes the buddy of one of his students, loses his wife, and kills his girlfriend's dog

The gay content is slight in this film, but is handled well. It is just a matter of fact that James (Maguire), Crabtree (Robert Downey Jr.) and Miss Slovak (Michael Cavadias) have queer tendencies. It is no more important to the plot than the fact that they are all brunettes. The story is not centered on their coming out, or straight people being mean to them.

Basically, Wonder Boys is one of those Hollywood-formula misunderstood male, homoerotic, mentoring buddy flicks with a tiresome epilogue from the wise, yet scruffy Douglas at the end. Of course, like all his other films, when Douglas realizes the errors of his selfish ways, he gets his girl back and gets a shave

Michelle Tomko

Keep our number in your wallet instead.

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